feelings.events.memories

today has been a reminder about one thing. God has plans that you just don't know about.

school-wise, i didn't do anything today.

ministry-wise, i didn't do anything today.

i met people for lunch, tea (twice) and dinner.

and God showed me so much, so so much.

i won't state names here. but today i just got a chilling reminder of what my life could possibly have ended up like. perhaps not, given my character, given my upbringing. but a lot of 'what if?' comes into play. what if i had studied overseas? what if i had not come to SMU? what if relationships did not turn out the way it did? what if i did not go for OCIP? what if what if?

God chose me, Jesus saves me and the Holy Spirit works within me. i don't know why. when i meet friends of old, friends i used to know, i ask God 'why me? why not them? or why not them at this point in life? i grew up with them. i sat through the same services. sang the same songs. went for the same camps. why me? why not them?' my heart is filled with immense sorrow as i listened to these words, about how faith in a God is futile, useless, absurd. perhaps even wishful thinking. at times words like this make me doubt my faith, as though only people as naive as myself or as weak as myself need saving from.

i guess that is what we all are. weak and useless. desperately needing of somebody to lift us from this mire.

my old friend today told me that 'she is happy and ultimately that is what that matters'.

happiness is not all that matters my dear friend.

happiness is conditional, it depends on the situation you are in. whether you have friends around you, whether you got the things that you want, whether your loved ones are alive, whether you earn enough money, or whether you are comfortable.

joy is what matters. irregardless of circumstance or trial. joy in the things already done. joy in the things already achieved. joy in salvation.

pray for courage and a firm spirit. God, help me in this troubled time.

know therefore today, and lay it to your heart, that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth beneath; there is no other.

(Deuteronomy 4:39 ESV)

together, yet alone in this busy world. talking but yet not communicating.

school is starting in a week, excited to get back to the flow of things, only thing that scares me now is the things that i have NOT done in preparation for school. and i am not talking about grades and textbooks and getting back into the flow of school. have 4 bible studies to teach next semester (2 in CF and 2 in church) and i really pray for sustenance, that i will continue to rely on the power of His Word and not my own power, since it will be just foolishness anyway. (1 Cor 1)

upon reflection and conversations, i have realized that intellect, although a God-given gift, is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in my ministry. as much as i can perceive and understand, though not at the level of the scholars, relating to ones less mature than me might overwhelm them, especially if i just unload all the theology that i have downloaded over the past year or two. having taken two years to process all that i have learnt, my EQ seems unable to process that fact, and chooses to naturally unleash the bankai of bible knowledge that, though intrinsically would be useful to them, may stumble them as i may make them feel inferior, stupid or something. and honestly its not like i was any better. i got 2 years, they have 2 mins.:/ even though i have the innate knack of simplifying theories, i realize that sometimes it just does not cut it, especially if i am reading 2 chapters of romans (though VERY HIGHLY REWARDING) to them.

bible performance, not bible knowledge.

having prepared philippians 2 and reading through deuteronomy (though not religiously, sigh) on my own, i have reminded about how it is God who works, God chooses (such a wretch as me), for His own good pleasure. thanking God for Jesus everyday, the free gift, the example of how to live, and i just pray that i will be more bold in my conversations, be more upfront about God and Jesus, more emphatetic in my words that i may relate to Christians, mature and not, and non-Christians about the gospel that saves. help me to flee from temptation, especially lust :( and seek first the Kingdom of God and God's righteousness.

thank you Jesus.

upon further reflection, it just dawns upon me how humbling this foc has been for me. in light of the grace that i have been given and shown, and the abilities and skills i thought i had. God brought me crashing back to Earth. post-internship, back to reality, and back to God.

whilst on internship i was really living in my tiny Christian bubble, relatively sheltered from sin, thinking that i was doing 'alright' in my faith and with living life as a Christian student cum leader in CF and in church. how very wrong i was proven to be.

the group that i had during camp played a big part in my experience during FOC. unlike the previous year, my group were relatively nominal or less "on" as compared to my previous group. this group didn't seem very interested in Christianity on the whole, and was generally more concerned with their own lives that they were living, singing k-box and doing their own things. personally i found it a real struggle not to judge them (as though i was any better right.:/) especially when they said that they would consider coming for CF during the semester and setting things right. perhaps in the group context they do not give much hope, the horde mentality leading them away from positive fruitful conversations. or perhaps they had just nothing to share at all. even as i type this, i feel like a hypocrite, a judge.

thank God that the last day went well, but I really pray that God's Word had touched their hearts and that they would be open to coming to hear more about the gospel. really feel ultimately burdened for these folk and how they are reacting to the gospel.

how sad is it, when people come and hear about the gospel, recognize the importance of it, but yet choose to live their own lives the way we want to.

God, grant me grace, that I may not spurn your grace and continue in my own sin, lest i despise what Jesus has done on the cross.

Help me to love the sinner and the saint, that I may be a tool for you to bring people into your Kingdom.